ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
