Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
