There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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