yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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