Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
