I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
