Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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