She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
