small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
being pregnant is like rehab
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
