The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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