I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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