i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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