did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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