Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This baby is an asshole
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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