I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
