Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
