he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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