looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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