Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
