I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
