So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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