I faked an abortion last night.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
