Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
