Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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