We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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