Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize