if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
