I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
