I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
