also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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