His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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