She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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