Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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