Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
