don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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