i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
