He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
