How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
