I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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