fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
