anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
