no, he came in my armpit
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
