Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
