You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
