he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize