he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
