Pappa wants mamma naked
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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