Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
