im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
