So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
