I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
