Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
