Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
