theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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