chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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