i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
