...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
