if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
