I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
