then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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