I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
